Curtains down, lights off, audience has left, alone at centre stage you peek out between the curtain folds to see if there might just be one more person standing up to clap at your performance, nope 👎🏻 nobody in sight. You hear the silence penetrate into every nook and cranny of you. You feel a sudden sense of loneliness and downcast. Your heart starts to pound and you just can’t shake that feeling. You feel knotted at the top of your navel. But wait, your performance, you know because you were there, received standing ovations. Why then the sudden sadness? Weren’t you just dancing in front of the mirror the other day and appreciative of your agility? Perhaps it’s the absence of an audience or that your body is coming down from a high and it is naturally going to make you feel down. You know this already. How long then do you feel this down? Sometimes, often, never or all the time.
Our response to the above scenario is very telling of the state of us in our inner world. Have you ever watched a toddler pass the mirror more than once and really smile at what he sees as his reflection? Now add to that his mama passing by and mentioning that she loves him or taking an interest in what he is creating or doing. Notice an even bigger smile? You have just boosted his level of self esteem self worth and validated his self expression.
Of course it’s natural for an infant to need that validation because we act as their mirror. What if the mirror is distorted with dust and debris from our own mirroring as infants? And what if we don’t even know that? Wow! That would really be a shambles then wouldn’t it. It would mean you are not accurately mirroring and thereby validating who little bubba is which will create in his a distorted sense of self which he may or may never find. Or so much so, that he will always need an audience to validate him because in him will be a plethora of insecurity. The sadness after the crowds leave will be felt longer and he will only want to perform for the crowds.
Self acceptance begins at infancy when we accept our infants as we were ourselves accepted by our caregivers. Our acceptance of our self is almost proportional to how well we were accepted at infancy. Did our caregivers accept us fully and at face value? Did they impose their own projections and dejections? Did they perhaps satisfy their own needs for being needed in making us obedient? These questions are endlesss as are the possibilities of how we were accepted and in turn how well we get to accept our own selves and then extend that toward the acceptance of others including our natural desire to want acceptance from others for the sake of acceptance as opposed to being validated by that.
There is a fine line between having a natural instinct as humans to want social acceptance and to need the same to validate our sense of self. Take social media for instance. It is a great tool to network and find stuff including a god number of lovely people. But it can also be a source of mental stress and anxiety if that is used as a tool for total connection with others as it’s behind an interface and not real unless of course you actually make real connection. Apart from that, with a convoluted sense of self, you might gauge your sense of self worth in how people interact with your shares. What others share might also affect your mood and thoughts if you don’t have an awareness of your own self, and a healthy self image and self worth. Basically, a pretty much healthy functional balanced sense of self is what is needed.
What can we did about an acceptance of self that was below good enough? The first step is to be aware of that. Once we know we can then catch ourselves unawares when we start to become:
Needy
Fearful of others opinions or response
Over reliance on another’s view
Change of mood because of someone’s view
Too guarded
Too pushy
Scared
Aloof
This list can go on. But you know what I mean right?
So, when we start to feel affected by someone’s version of us, remember it’s not your story but theirs. They will have their own story too. Perhaps attacking someone is their way of dealing with their story. Maybe being too defensive is your way.
The key ingredient is a healthy level of self awareness. Who are you right now? What language do you use? Body language? Words? How do you spend your time? How much time do you spend on social media? Do you aim to please others? Are you talking big most of the time? Do you talk a lot of crap most of the time?
We can only build healthy social connection with an every healthier self acceptance that comes from within. Most of us will be coming out of a less than good enough mirroring at infancy and will need to revalidate our self to us.
Nobody can do that for us. Yes, others can listen to us without judgment or comment, assisting us find us, but that’s as far as the help can go. We will have to take part in our life ourselves first, before expecting someone else to join in as an active too, otherwise they act on their stories as do you, and all we are, is lost in one big paella of story!
For now, if you are a parent, then please do a self check in, to see that you are not passing on any dust to your children by way of your own unfinished work. This can come in many many ways. Maybe you are a stay at home mama. Your daughter or son want to act. You still push them towards a different path that you think will serve them better. Is that a neutral decision or one with a little you in it? Check in, trace yourself back and you will find your answer.
Mirroring is in fact a very scientific process. For more information I recommend you look up “mirror neurons”. You might understand empathy in a different hue.
Yes we want to be accepted by others but how much or how little will show us where we are in the acceptance of us and the others.
What’s your story?
Ps, please send me any questions in the contact form or comments below for further discussion and insights. Otherwise sit tight enjoy the ride and thank you for supporting the work. Sending you all love.