Oooof it really irritates the hell out of my generally congenial mindset when I start to crave more me time and expect that my little bubba will get over it because for me my me needs are somehow getting priority. Ermmmm but when did this happen? I thought I was the conscious parent in action. Just when did it become about me me me me me and when did I become the toddler in the family?!!!? Well, when self care turns into a need, then know that this might be rooted in an unmet infantile need. Why wouldn’t nature bestow us with the patience after all if we were to bear offspring? I don’t see my dog to self care when her puppies were born. She would rarely leave their side. But then, they are true to their nature and attuned where as we are shall we say getting farther away? Okay maybe not so much then but…
Does this sound familiar? Are you mostly trying to find some time for yourself? Can this per chance take over your better sense so much so that you don’t notice that little bubba might just be edging between very securely attached to you to maybe not so much and almost bordering the insecure avoidant or insecure anxious? Has he suddenly become clingy? Maybe he is making more messes? Is he throwing things around more? Resisting sleep? Whilst some of this stuff is pretty bogged standard for any toddler, an attuned parent will know when something is off.
That smell in the room isn’t your arse on fire! That smell is of a stale mate that is turning against your best intentions as a parent. Yep, the need for me me me me me time. Yep, self care. So much so, that you keep a look at the time and watchful eye to catch any signs that he might get to sleep even earlier than the usual nap or bed time. You go out of your way to walk him up and down the road, around the block, at a park, not so much for the outing but in the secret hope this will tire the poor kid off to sleep without any resistance and well, on time. Why? So we can tuck into that lovely coconut ball you look forward to, maybe a meditation or a podcast a book or making love to your other half because date nights have become all so rare now.
That secret desire for me me me me me time, eats into the quality of meals we prepare. The one off short cut turns into a daily routine. The Sunday pyjama day turns into an almost every other day in pyjamas. Hell you are even tempted to say oh sod it little bubba can stay in his dressing down. Taking him out to the park, oh that’s easy just slip on the jacket over the pyjamas and socks oooof just leave those and get the wellies on. Nobody will know after all! Any I mean any even the normal resistance to sleep sends you in a huff and puff off into the “what about me” mode and down the stairs you trundle to a third cup of tea because “I deserve it” after all “i matter too!”.
I would love to know things you might do for this little secret desire that some of us don’t even know we have.
Of course it’s natural for us to want to decompress from the round the clock care and attention that a toddler needs but not at the expense of the development of the toddler. After all, even being at their beck and call technically isn’t really a chore is it? It becomes one when we sorely focus on me me me me me and then what brings us joy turns into a duty an obligation and a killjoy. Hey, when did this happen to us? What happened to that cheerfulness and playfulness that we enjoyed? What about the cooing?
Could it be after the breast feeding is done, the nappy changes become one too many, as some one said to me once “the novelty wore off”, and the love chemical “oxytocin” slightly on a plateau, that we find an ever more need to feel good? Does parenting become a chore?
A conscious fully responsive parent with a sense of whole self and pretty much present, being fully attuned to little bubba will know when they have moved off their balance scales tipping towards me me me me as opposed to bubba and me bubba and me bubba bubba bubba me and bubba me and bubba.
When we feel supported within and have our own needs met, we find that we move with the flow of our little bubba even if that means staying up later than you would like, or maybe going back to the park you thought you were exiting when little bubba said “no” and did a “U” turn.
Sometimes, what is required is some intuitive insight into the future of little bubba’s mind and your present mind. You might want to check in on anything you can do differently or improve on to allow for a more creative mind than one that is stifled, as a tool to navigate life, if the mind is chosen to be so employed, since the mind is not in fact necessary. Some might say.
For example, after breakfast we clear up and head to the outdoors to explore the farm. Bubba insists on carrying his car because mama said that we use cars on the road. Fair enough. Except mama is not too keen to carry the car and again she is fearful of any passing cars. Bubba protests, mama equally protests. What a scene! Oh well since mama is the “grown up parent” bubba must concede despite his every effort, and so he walks on the road feeling thwarted and dispirited. Mama thinks oh wow I managed to distract him he can enjoy the farm now. Sure he does that but not because he was distracted or he forgot the car, but because he lives in the NOW. All infants and toddlers do. They only know the NOW and this is when they don’t even have the concept of object permanence.
Little bubba’s memory will now be encoded with an episode when he tried to be himself, asserted himself, and expressed himself but had to submit to a figure of authority, well because of that “authority” or because of a fear that the authority would leave them, or for fear of their own safety if there had been any threats shouting or abuse involved. We do greater harm in giving into our own whims me me me me me when the opportunity cost is little bubba’s need to explore his new found sense of self and independence. He needs to explore explore explore.
In the example, if it meant taking the car for such a short distance which would boost little bubba’s confidence and self esteem then why not? If bubba wanted to turn back into the park and provided we weren’t running late for an appointment that was crucial or any health safety concerns, then again, turning back and say reaching a sort of compromise with little bubba on how long we turn back for would have served as an ego boost and met little bubba’s need for independence and self assurance. If nap time was nearing again what this opportunity would give to bubba would far outweigh the nap which could wait a few minutes.
Our whole sense of self is intertwined with our childhood right up to adolescence. In fact science says our brains don’t fully mature till we are twenty or so. Just imagine! For as long as children are under our wing, by extending our wings even wider, we provide them with the much needed space to explore their own sense of self. Here they will create, through the response we give them to them, a roadmap for life.
The more vested we are in “self care” that takes us away from taking care of the self in our extended version of self, our children. When we fully show up for them, we naturally care for ourselves and the little things we want to do just for me me me fall into place. We are not working against the tide but rising to the work set out before us in helping shape this child’s future outlook on life.
I certainly want to know that I am fully present and engaged with my bubba first. He is my priority and making him that naturally paves way for me to also be caring towards myself and meet my own needs. It happens naturally. When his needs are met there is very little turbulence in the family environment and we all give each other the space to be.
Love takes form in letting each other be. In that being we find more of ourselves taking on different shades of each other and evolving evermore. Humbled and grateful I am to have the honour of becoming a parent for in that we find yet another evolutionary cycle into the synthesis of us.
Love takes form in letting each other be. In that being we find more of ourselves taking on different shades of each other and evolving evermore.